As I sit here now, trying to come to terms with what’s happened, I decide to write about it. It’s a repressed memory from when I was an adolescent. I’ve never done this before so please bare with me.
What you read next may come across as disturbing, unsettling, disgusting, stupid but it’s my story.
Over the past 24 hours I’ve had a realisation that I don’t wish upon anyone. I was raped.
At the mere age of 12 I was in a relationship, with a guy I had fallen in love with (whatever love was at that time), I lost my virginity to him and everything was going perfect. 8 months down the track at age 14. I made the stupid decision of cheating on my boyfriend. The reason why is something I will never know, I was young, I was stupid and I was naive.
I was in the park with some friends, my boyfriend was away at the time, and there was this guy, let’s call him “J”. He was sweet, funny, handsome and knew how to make me laugh. He made a move on me and I thought no way, I’m not going to go there although I wanted to. He put his number in my phone and that was that. I was walking home when I decided to text him and turn around to head back to the park.
He kissed me and first I didn’t know what to do but I kissed him back. I was lonely with my boyfriend being away and missed the intimate feeling of having someone there.
What happened next is the most disturbing thing I have ever done to date. We both headed to the nearby local bathroom where we started to make out, he undid my pants and then his. He was using his hands, I was okay this. Once he had his member inside of me I was okay with this. Until a couple of minutes later. The guilt of cheating on my boyfriend had dawned on me like a tonne of bricks. I said “wait, stop!” to J while trying to sit up but he didn’t stop, he carried on. I didn’t know what do to, he was this big guy so I just stared at the bathroom wall, waiting for it be over, almost bursting in to tears, feeling violated like never before. After about 5 minutes, which felt like hours, he was finally done. He pulled his member out and ejaculated on my leg, I remember feeling so disgusted. I was looking at semen on my leg, I then looked at him and he seemed so chuffed with himself. He was buckling up his pants while I was trying to scrub his semen off of my leg. I remember thinking “what the hell just happened?!” I put on my pants and left. On the walk home I felt numb, almost crying, trying to think about what had happened” I deleted his number.
- I called my boyfriend the second I got home and was alone in my room, I told him everything. I was crying, I told him I had cheated on him and that I was so sorry, begging for forgiveness. Little did I know that yes I had cheated but from the second I told him to stop and he didn’t, it became rape.
After a few years of suppressing the memory, I must’ve been triggered by a movie where a young woman was raped, I found myself thinking about the incident.
Instantly I told myself that what happened was not okay and I found myself feeling as though the rape had happened just that morning. I started feeling numb, feeling not worthy of my husband, feeling used up, emotionless. I started thinking maybe it was my fault, I cheated on my boyfriend and that was my punishment.
I sought out a counsellor and after chatting with her, she made me realise that what I was feeling was normal. To give what happened to me a name, “Rape” was also a critical part of starting the Something known as PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from the rape is what was causing me to feel these things.
Im finding it hard to allow physical touch from someone else, I feel violated as though it happened yesterday, I feel dirty. I have a few triggers that I’m working on but it has only been 24 hours.
I know there’s a long road ahead but I know that I’ll be fine and it’s okay to cry about it every now and then. I’m not new to dealing with sexual assault, around the age of 9, I had another encounter of sexual assault but that’s a whole different story. I have also had lovely ladies share their stories and give me some advice regarding dealing with my PTSD. Which is giving me hope that I can come to terms with this faster.
I just need to remind myself that it’s in the past, I have a husband who loves me and a son who adores me. My life is amazing. I am not defined by what has happened.